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Tuesday, June 06, 2006
it's been a while. i miss writing here. i rememeber last year when IT was not strict about this site, i update my blog almost everyday, and my friends in the office who also has accounts in blogdrive would communicate through blog chat. gone are the days.
you must be wondering what happened to me. I'm doing okay. I got promoted at work, amidst the last blog entry i have here. My family has been supportive of me and though my sister and youngest brother is not with us, they've been doing good, growing independent and finding their way in this world. My friends and I meet once in a while and the closeness we have is still there. And I'm with someone I truly love.
It has really been a while. i looked back to exactly where i was last year when i wrote those entries and felt thankful that i like where i am right now. I am not perfectly happy, everyday i have to deal with uncertainty of things, complexities of life and ironies of events but i will do just fine.
Posted at 12:44 pm by jsanpedro14
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well lately. It seems that peaceful sleep has evaded me since I've been moved to the night shift again after four months of being on a regular office schedule. There's no one to blame really, but myself. I've neglected my work, due to stress and agony of getting out of this job and finding a new one where I could practice the profession I graduated for in the first place.
It's hard. I came from a premiere university and yet it's not what companies are always looking for. Since I was assigned to the morning shift, I couldn't attend interviews and exam schedules as they would also be conducted inside office hours. So, I'm still here, hanging on.
When I'm taking calls during the night shift, time flies by fast and before you know it, you'd be going home soon. It's also more economical because I bring just the right amount of money to spend for transportation and most of the time, I have packed lunch. I have more friends during the night shift than the morning shift so I kinda missed them and was glad we're reunited.
But when I think of progrees and career path, I feel lost. This isn't where I wanna be. There's one position I'd been eyeing on since I started working here but I have yet been blessed enough to get that position.
I've always wanted to travel, to discover the beautiful places in the world and to visit places of varying cultures and lifestyles. Being a travel specialist virtually fufilled that dream but in the long run, you get tired of the scope of work and the urge to make the dream into reality zooms in.
I'm also looking at careers in public relations and advertising. When I watch films where the main character has a job in public relations and advertising, the more fascinating that whole industry turns out to be. The progress in that kind of work is optimized because of the dynamicity of tasks and duties.
Narrowing down the possibilities to these two options gave me a sense of direction. Before, I didn't know what I wanted to do because I liked to try a lot of things, liked to do what my parents wanted for me which was to become a lawyer, liked to see if I can be a teacher by enrolling into teaching courses, liked to see if I can be a slave driver like my friend in ABS-CBN, and many other things I thought I want to do. I have finally sorted it out. ANd I'm glad with what I have chosen.
Posted at 06:41 am by jsanpedro14
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005
There are two indicators of instant attraction. One is you can't stop staring and your eyes find no other sight but him. Second is you can't look at the person staight in the eye and your eyes would wander somewhere else. In his case, it's the second indicator.
He was the restaurant manager of the company I was applying to. He interviewed me and 2 other friends. He's a good-looking guy. Tall, dark and very appealing. He's probably the sexiest manager I've ever laid eyes on. Not that I was interested in having a relationship with him because I know he's way older than me plus I saw a wedding ring. Yet there was the attraction.
I got accepted and started working under his tutelage. Working with him was a breeze, though I had several run-ins with my co-workers probably because I was new and didn't care much of how other people regard me. One day, he offered to give me a ride home. I accepted. That same night he proposed to have a relationship with me. He's very forward in saying it that I almost thought he was kidding. The fact that he's married never stopped him from popping the question. I said no of course.
The next day, he called me up. It was my rest day. He was persistent with his proposal, still I said no. He communicated constantly, being sweet and everything. Then on my second restday, he told me to drop by because he missed me.
I didn't plan to drop by. I actually refused. But then I did. I saw how happy he was to see me. He offered to give me a ride to school. Then as I was getting off his car saying goodbye, he kissed me. From that day on, we were a couple.
Nobody knew about our relationship except for a few people we trust because it was a forbidden relationship professionally and morally. My friends discouraged me but I was enjoying his company too much to pay attention to them. He brought me to expensive restaurants and talked about a lot of things about life. He's mature so I felt secure when I'm with him. I also listened to him eagerly as he told me his adventures in life. He has an unfathomable zest in life. He's a free soul. He looked for something greater and lived life to the fullest. That's one of things I liked about him.
But after we celebrated our one month, things changed. He was pre-occupied and he postponed our dates. Until I found out he's getting back together with his girlfriend, the one before I came along. And it hurt to a certain degree but I also realized I'm not really expecting the relationship to last since it was all wrong.
I moved on and found a greater love.
Posted at 06:34 am by jsanpedro14
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Friday, July 22, 2005
I was applying for service crew in this restaurant. I was interviewed by a lady manager and I saw this short guy, all sweaty, looking at me intensely. Then he went to assist another customer. He was one of the managers of the restaurant. I became one of his crew members a month later.
I didn't like him. He was lousy in clothing, he walked funny, he was loud and he stared at me a lot, and that really pissed me off. I hated attending meetings with him and whenever he invited the team for a night-out, I'd make an excuse not to join.
There was a time, probably for a week or so that he seemed different. Like something happened to him that made him all serious suddenly, focused at work and went home early. I was a bit curious for the sudden change in attitude. Since the friends I hanged out with were also his friends, eventually we went on together in group dates and that's when I got to know him. He told me his past, present, his angsts in life, his frustrations about work, his dreams, his daughter. I started to see him in a deeper way and he started to express his intentions. He actually had to court my friends first to make sure they approved then our friends set us up.
He was a romantic. He made me feel like a queen when we are together. He'd always tell me that he's lucky to have me as his girlfriend and it all seemed like a dream to him. On our first month, he brought me to a basketball game and bought me a ring and bracelet set. It was one of the more romantic nights in my life.
I was quite happy with him. He took care of me. Then on the night of my birthday, he didn't show up, as he promised. I was fuming mad for days. I don't wanna talk to him. He showed up one night, drunk and pleading for me to take him back. I did take him back, but everything slowly began changing. He began to neglect me. He called only when necessary, there was a time he didn't call for two weeks. At that time, I also found out that he's been lying for a long time. He told me he lives with his family and has visiting rights for his daughter whose in the custody of the mother. I found out after making a few calls and asking his friends that he still lives in the same house with his daughter and wife. What a liar he turned out to be. I couldn't forgive for what he did. I refused his calls and fortunately, I was no longer working in the restaurant so I didn't see him.
After a month, I did forgive him. We never talked about it, but I found closure because a friend helped me and made me realize what I had been through. I also found another job and over time, I felt as if it never happened. I definitely don't regret it but it was one of the break-ups I got over quickly.
Posted at 04:01 pm by jsanpedro14
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Friday, July 15, 2005
He was my classmate in one of the more interesting classes I took. He's relatively small for a guy, a bit overweight, a bit loud for such a small person and a bit braggy for a person who's not the hunky type of guy. He often posed questions or comments, some of them not related to the topic, then there were valid questions that our professor find difficult to answer.
I wasn't paying attention to him though he made it a point to be noticeable in class. One time, my best friend and I bumped into him in Masscom. He was carrying a box of Kenny Roger's muffins. The way he stopped by and talked to us was a clear sign of flirting. I though he was flirting with my best friend and I kept on teasing her about him. As it turns out, this guy liked me and he was being nice to my bestfriend hoping to get information from her to get through me. I was flattered. I started to notice him and he started to talk to me in class. He offered us a ride one time until it became more frequent.
The next set of events happened so fast. He asked me out to dinner. I agreed. He knew I was working part time as a restaurant crew so he fetched me from there. I enjoyed the attention he was giving me and that led me to conclude I like him as a boyfriend. The night we became a couple was unexpected because it was fast and I felt guilty because he met an accident that night he fetched me.
Our romance lasted for less than a month. I went to his flat often and he would cook for me and help me in some of the papers I needed to do. He was a busy man. He was a graduating student, an active fraternity member, and he's an active officer of a college-based organization. He found time to take me out on dates, we went to different places and I met his friends and some of the members of his family. Though it didn't last long, I had fun and I learned a lot from him. The reason we broke up from his point of view was due to time and communication restraint on his part, as for my point of view, he broke up with me because he got back together with his ex-girlfriend. This I confirmed a week later when a friend of mine saw him with the girl.
We communicated even after we broke up. In fact, he attempted to get back together with me but we realized things don't work that way anymore. We still communicate but he and I knew whatever happened in the past will remain in the past.
Posted at 12:54 pm by jsanpedro14
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005
He was aloof. He isolated himself from the rest of the pack. There's a certain message coiled with this behavior and that formed my first impressions on him. He was the intellectual type who's not interested in shallow conversations and superficiality. I was mistaken.
He was an apathetic guy, who doesn't care much about what's happening in the world. He doesn't take a stand on issues. He has his own reservations. How our friendship started I cannot remember. We were a group of six, three boys, three girls. Over time, friendships developed within our group and we had the opportunity to get to know each of the person in our group, thus, our barkada was established.
He and I became close during the second semester of that school year. We had similar classes and after our classes when we all hang out, he and I often talk about more personal things. Apolitical as he was, he was clever and funny, he was the type of friend who knows when to listen, when to talk and when to say the right things, when to shut up. We had petty fights for reasons that until now, whenever we remember, we had laughs about. This went on for a couple of months. By February, on that night of our friend's debut, we were officially a couple.
The transition from friendship to being a couple was not so smooth. One would think it's easy but in our case it was not. Our friends' opinion on our developed romance was that it's gonna be short-lived. and it was a product of a sudden surge of emotions and was not not deeply-rooted. At that time we refused to believe in what they were saying but at the back of our minds, we considered it. This was probably one of the reasons why there is doubt that surrounded the relationship early on.
Summer came and the less we saw each other. We would meet once every two weeks, would communicate through text messages and phone calls, then it became less frequent until eventually we looked into the possibility of seeing other people whilst in the relationship. This of course was unknown to both parties at that time.
On my 18th birthday, he came and during that time, my mind was set on breaking up with him. There are two reasons why I was willing to end the relationship, first because of our non-communication, second was because of a guy I met during the summer. It was a blissful night except for the part that we had to talk about ending the relationship.
It was June again, start of classes, and since we were friends, we had to still join the same group and hang out. It was awkward and there were times we just avoided each other's company. I met a guy in one of my classes who started courting me and eventually, this guy became my boyfriend. We fell apart for a certain time. But eventually we got over that.
Now, we are still friends, our closeness renewed few years back. He is one of my closest friends and he's one of the few who really knows me.
Posted at 03:32 pm by jsanpedro14
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Every summer, I go to my grandparents' house in Bulacan. It was large house and more than three families live in the compound. Across the street, is their house. I remembered initially meeting him when we were kids. Then one summer, I was in first year highschool, I saw him from across the street, staring at me, as if seeing me for the first time. I noticed him too. He was handsome in a boyish sort of way, very sweet and has lots of stories to tell. He was kind and generous and got along with my relatives well.
You must understand, I'm a late bloomer in a sense that I know I'm pretty but I'm vaguely aware how attractive I am (naks). It was indeed one of the more romantic moments of my life. So that happened each year, I went there and I'd know that he acknowledged my presence everytime and would gaze at me from across the street. Time came when he mustered enough courage to talk to me and to my relatives. He was funny, in a cheesy sort of way. We talked a lot and spent time together whenever I was there. This went on for about three years until finally, we were officially a couple July of 1999.
It was a long distance relationship. One day, there was a celebration of some sort for my grandparents and I stayed for the weekend. He joined our family outing. My relatives didn't know we were a couple so we had to pretend during the whole time. Night came, he got drunk, and it was the first time I saw him in that way. He was his worst person when he is drunk. He was sloppy, careless and he blurts out a lot of things. My relatives were shocked as I am. Surprisingly, after the shock, I found myself laughing really hard before I went to sleep that evening. The next day, he never remembered what he said or what he did, he just remembered being very sleepy.
This drunkenness happened two more times before we eventually broke up. He was sober when we broke up. The reason why we broke up is not because of his behavior when he is drunk but rather because this lying bastard has two more girlfriends on the side.
I was willing to end the relationship for two reasons, first because three-timing was unforgivable for me and second because I didn't love him as much as I thought I did. And I was happy I did it.
Posted at 03:35 pm by jsanpedro14
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Friday, July 08, 2005
Demand, Jealousy and Time
Demand
To demand or not to, that is the question. At what point does a person actually becomes demanding in a relationship? A whole day passes and neither a call nor a text message graces your phone coming from the other person, what is that? Maybe in relationships of over a year or so, this can be excused but to new relationships, you've got to take care of it early on, otherwise, it's just pure neglect.
Jealousy
I used to think I have outgrown the petty jealousies I had in the past with ex-boyfriends. I'm wrong. They seem to miss me, they never fail to attack everytime I feel insecure or everytime things are not going smoothly. In turn, suspicions resurface.
Time
The best way to show commitment is time. It's not even money, or the kinds of gifts you shower each other (although of course, that has value too), it's how you make time for activities you do regularly as a couple. It's about finding time to do something special for the other person.
Posted at 04:04 pm by jsanpedro14
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Monday, May 02, 2005
Just for a moment, if I can be void of any emotion, then a word or the slightest action will mean nothing to me. If just for the time being, people can just walk right through me and don't notice anything different, it will let me be peaceful at that exact moment. When you want to know what exactly went wrong, I wish I can rewind how it all happened than spend the rest of my life wondering why.
There were times I just accept few things that I know I dont have control of, like how people can enjoy the discomfort of an awkward situation, how insensitive a person can be after a big misunderstanding and many other situations I have mulled over then decided to just let go. Most of the time, discerning the point I have actual control of the situation, seems hazy to me, primarily because of the things that went in my head and the feelings I felt at that moment. Not knowing IT causes more stress and more mulling over.
I've always been in that familiar zone, fully aware that it's not gonna do me any good to think or to expect what will happen next, yet, I never handled them the way that everything will be easier or smooth between me and the concerned party. This is to say that across all relationships, I find myself always in the unfamiliar.
Posted at 08:36 pm by jsanpedro14
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Something happened to me. Though it's ages ago, I know what I felt with you will always be one of a kind, no matter how immature you and I were, no matter how difficult it turned out at the end.
I thought about you every now and then, wondering how you were, where you are. You are probably sailing the seas right now, reflecting upon your life and where it has taken you. You're probably happy, thinking about a brighter future for your wife and kid.
I find it hard to believe sometimes, that what we had was not as real on your part as it was in mine. But I did believe in it, up to this moment as I started to think about you again, that I found love in you, a love that stayed for a long time if not between you and me, at least within me. It's a gift, and I had no regrets.
Your ship has sailed. You're where you want to be and what you want to be. I do not wish to be part of it, what I do wish is that you think of me, every now and then and remember the love I gave you, remember how we once were. That's enough for me.
Posted at 07:38 pm by jsanpedro14
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